Why Couples Fight More During the Holidays (And How to Actually Connect This Season)

It's 10 PM on a Tuesday in December. You and your partner are both exhausted, sitting in your Plano living room surrounded by half-wrapped gifts, unanswered holiday cards, and a calendar full of obligations you're both dreading.

One of you makes a comment about the budget. The other snaps back about whose family they're seeing. Within minutes, you're having the same fight you've had three times this week—about money, or in-laws, or who's doing more, or why this season that's supposed to bring you together keeps pushing you apart.

You love each other. You're committed to your relationship. But right now, in the middle of the holiday chaos, you're more like exhausted roommates coordinating logistics than partners who actually like each other.

If this sounds familiar, I want you to know: The holidays are hard on relationships. You're not failing. The system is designed to pull you apart.

Why the Holidays Strain Even Strong Relationships

In my couples counseling practice in McKinney and Frisco, December brings a predictable wave of couples seeking support. Many start their sessions saying, "We're great most of the year, but something about the holidays brings out the worst in us."

Here's what's really happening:

1. You're Both Running on Empty

Between work obligations, social commitments, family expectations, and trying to create "magical" holiday experiences, you're both depleted. When you're exhausted, you have less capacity for patience, empathy, and emotional regulation.

Your partner's minor annoyance becomes a major conflict. The small thing you'd normally laugh off becomes evidence of a bigger problem. You're both running on fumes, and there's nothing left to give each other.

2. Different Holiday Visions Create Invisible Conflict

You each bring expectations from your family of origin about what the holidays should look like:

• How much to spend on gifts

• Which traditions to honor

• How to celebrate (elaborate or simple)

• Whose family to see (and when, and for how long)

• What makes the holidays "meaningful"

Often, these expectations are unspoken until someone violates them. Then you're suddenly fighting about whether to have a real tree or fake tree, but you're actually fighting about completely different visions of what the holidays should be.

3. Family Dynamics Reactivate Old Patterns

When you spend time with your families of origin, you may unconsciously slip into old roles—the people-pleaser, the responsible one, the black sheep, the peacekeeper. Your partner sees you transform into a version of yourself they don't recognize.

Or perhaps your partner's family triggers old wounds, and you watch them become defensive, withdrawn, or people-pleasing in ways that frustrate you. These family dynamics don't just affect each of you individually—they ripple into your relationship.

4. Financial Stress Amplifies Everything

For many couples, December brings more financial stress than any other month. Between gifts, travel, hosting, and donations, expenses add up quickly.

If you have different money values, spending patterns, or financial priorities, the holidays magnify these differences. One partner wants to be generous; the other wants to be practical. One feels guilty saying no; the other feels anxious about debt. These aren't just money conversations—they're values conversations.

5. The "Holiday Performance" Replaces Real Connection

You're so busy creating the perfect holiday—shopping, decorating, cooking, hosting, attending events—that you forget to actually connect with each other. Your relationship becomes a logistics partnership: "Can you pick up your mom from the airport?" "Did you order the gift for my boss?" "What time do we need to leave for the party?"

You're coordinating calendars, not connecting as partners. And underneath all the busyness, you're both lonely.

6. Old Resentments Surface Under Pressure

When you're both stressed, old unresolved issues resurface. That thing you thought you'd moved past in October? It's back. The pattern you've been avoiding discussing? The holidays make it impossible to ignore.

Stress has a way of revealing what's actually unresolved in your relationship. The holidays don't create these problems—they just make them impossible to avoid.

The Fights Couples Have (And What They're Really About)

In my work with couples throughout North Texas, I hear the same conflicts every December:

"You always prioritize your family over mine."

Translation: "I don't feel valued. I need to know that we're a team and that my needs matter too."

"You're spending too much money on gifts."

Translation: "I feel anxious about our finances. I need us to be on the same page about our priorities and limits."

"You never want to go to anything."

Translation: "I feel alone in carrying the emotional labor of maintaining our social connections."

"You're being too rigid about the budget."

Translation: "I value generosity and connection, and I'm afraid you're prioritizing money over what matters."

"You always shut down when we're with your family."

Translation: "I feel disconnected from you when you withdraw. I need to know you're still with me even when family is difficult."

"I'm doing everything while you're just going through the motions."

Translation: "I feel unseen and unappreciated. I need acknowledgment for what I'm carrying."

The surface conflict is about logistics, money, or schedules. The deeper conflict is about feeling valued, understood, and connected.

Mindfulness Strategies for Staying Connected During the Holidays

The good news: You can navigate the holidays without sacrificing your relationship. It requires intentionality, communication, and a willingness to prioritize connection over perfection.

1. Name Your Shared Reality

Start by acknowledging that the holidays are hard on relationships. This isn't a weakness—it's a fact. When you can name this together, you stop blaming each other and start seeing the situation more clearly.

Try this conversation: "The holidays are stressful for both of us. Let's acknowledge that we're going to be more tired, more reactive, and less patient than usual. How can we support each other through this season?"

This shifts the dynamic from "you vs. me" to "us vs. the stress."

2. Get Clear on Your Actual Priorities

Sit down together—ideally before December starts—and ask:

• What actually matters to us this holiday season?

• What would make this feel meaningful rather than just exhausting?

• What are we doing because we genuinely want to vs. what we're doing out of obligation?

Then make decisions based on your shared priorities, not everyone else's expectations. It's okay to skip events, simplify traditions, or create entirely new approaches that work for you as a couple.

3. Negotiate Family Time Strategically

Family visits often become battlegrounds because you're each trying to be fair while also managing anxiety about disappointing people.

Try this approach:

• Discuss your family visit plans early (not two days before)

• Acknowledge that you both have different comfort levels with family time

• Create clear boundaries together: how long you'll stay, when you'll leave, what you'll participate in

• Build in transition time before and after family events to reconnect as a couple

• Give each other permission to have different experiences (one person can leave early while the other stays)

The goal isn't equal time with each family—it's both people feeling respected and supported.

4. Create "Just Us" Moments

In the chaos of December, intentionally protect time for just the two of you—no logistics discussions, no holiday planning, no family politics.

Ideas that work for busy couples:

• A 15-minute morning coffee together before the day starts

• A weekly walk where you actually talk about how you're each doing emotionally

• A "no holiday talk" dinner once a week

• A simple evening ritual where you each share one thing you appreciated about the other that day

These don't have to be elaborate. They just have to be consistent and protected. You can STOP ruminating about your to-do lists and begin a new way of BEING with each other rather than DOING the holidays.

5. Practice "Generous Interpretation"

When your partner snaps at you, forgets something important, or doesn't respond the way you hoped, practice assuming positive intent.

Instead of: "They don't care about what matters to me."

Try: "They're overwhelmed and exhausted, just like I am. This isn't about me."

This doesn't mean accepting poor treatment—it means not immediately jumping to the worst interpretation when your partner is struggling.

6. Address the Real Conflict, Not the Surface One

When you find yourself in yet another fight about the budget or whose family to see, pause and ask:

"What is this really about for me? What do I actually need right now?"

Often, the real need is:

• "I need to feel like we're a team"

• "I need to know my feelings matter to you"

• "I need help carrying the emotional labor"

• "I need us to prioritize our relationship, not just everyone else's expectations"

When you can express the deeper need, you can actually work together to address it.

7. Know Your Family of Origin Patterns

Your family history shapes how you experience the holidays and how you show up in conflict. Understanding these patterns helps you see when you're reacting to old wounds rather than to what's actually happening with your partner.

Ask yourself:

• What role did I play in my family growing up during the holidays?

• What emotions feel familiar right now? (Anxiety about pleasing everyone? Resentment about being overlooked? Pressure to perform?)

• Am I responding to my partner, or to an old pattern from my family?

Understanding your family of origin patterns isn't about blaming your upbringing—it's about recognizing when past patterns are hijacking your present relationship.

When to Seek Couples Therapy

Sometimes, the holidays don't just create temporary stress—they reveal ongoing patterns that need professional support. Consider couples counseling if:

• The same conflicts repeat every holiday season without resolution

• You can't talk about family, money, or expectations without it escalating

• One or both of you feels chronically unheard, unseen, or unvalued

• You're more like roommates coordinating logistics than romantic partners

• Resentment is building faster than you can address it

• Family of origin patterns are interfering with your ability to function as a couple

• You feel disconnected most of the time, not just during the holidays

• You're considering whether your relationship can survive

Couples therapy isn't a sign of failure—it's a sign that you're committed to your relationship and willing to invest in making it work.

How Couples Therapy Helps with Holiday Stress (and Beyond)

In my McKinney and Frisco practice, I work with couples who are navigating the complex dynamics that the holidays reveal. Through mindfulness-based couples counseling, we address:

Communication patterns: Learning to express needs and hear each other without defensiveness

Family of origin work: Understanding how your upbringings shape your relationship dynamics

Conflict resolution: Developing skills to navigate disagreements without damage

Boundary setting: Creating clear agreements about family, money, and priorities

Connection practices: Rebuilding intimacy and friendship when you've become logistics partners

Mindfulness tools: Learning to be present with each other rather than constantly doing

The goal isn't to never fight during the holidays. The goal is to fight in ways that bring you closer rather than push you apart, and to build the skills to stay connected even when everything is pulling you in different directions.

This Season Can Be Different

The holidays don't have to be something you just survive as a couple. With awareness, communication, and willingness to prioritize your relationship, this season can actually strengthen your connection.

It starts with acknowledging that the holidays are hard and committing to navigating them together rather than letting the stress divide you.

You deserve to live your best life NOW—not after the holidays, not when things calm down, but right here in the middle of December. And that includes a relationship where you feel connected, supported, and valued.

Finding Support for Your Relationship in North Texas

If you're ready to stop repeating the same holiday conflicts and start building a relationship that can withstand seasonal stress, couples therapy can help.

I'm Dr. Lori Runge, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in couples counseling in McKinney and Frisco, Texas. I work with couples throughout North Texas—including Plano, Prosper, and the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area—who want to strengthen their relationship and develop the tools to navigate life's challenges together.

My approach is grounded in mindfulness and focuses on helping couples move from reactive patterns to conscious, intentional connection. Whether you're struggling specifically with holiday stress or recognizing deeper patterns that need attention, I'm here to support you.

Can you remember the last time you felt truly connected with your partner—present, at peace, enjoying each other rather than just managing life together?

That connection is available to you. The holidays don't have to pull you apart.

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Dr. Lori Runge, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Serving McKinney, Frisco, Plano, and North Texas

Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today and discover how couples therapy can help you navigate the holidays (and life) as true partners, not just exhausted logistics coordinators.