Is It Too Soon for Couples Counseling?

There is a question that comes up in almost every first phone call, usually near the end, and usually a little apologetically. Are we too early for this?

The short answer is no. The longer answer is worth a few minutes of your time.

Most couples wait far longer than they need to

Research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples wait an average of nearly three years between the onset of serious difficulties and their first session. Three years is a long time to live inside a pattern. It is long enough for the pattern to stop feeling like a pattern at all and start feeling like a personality, like simply the way we are, like something permanent rather than something learned.

By the time many couples sit down together in my office, they are no longer asking how do we grow. They are asking whether there is anything left to grow.

That is not a hopeless place to begin. Most couples who wait are still very much reachable, and the same research makes that point directly. But it is a harder place to begin, and it is almost always avoidable.

What too soon usually means

When someone worries they are coming in too early, they are usually describing one of a few things.

Nothing is technically wrong. There has been no affair, no blowup, no ultimatum. Just a quiet sense that something has thinned out between you.

We still love each other. This one carries an assumption worth examining, which is that counseling is meant for couples who have run out of love rather than for couples who have plenty of it and cannot seem to reach each other with it.

Other people have it worse. This comes up often in households that are functioning well on the outside, and it deserves a plain answer. Your relationship does not need to be in crisis to deserve attention.

If any of those sound familiar, you are not too early. You are right on time.

What early work actually looks like

Couples work that begins before a crisis has a different tone. It tends to be calmer, more curious, and a good deal more enjoyable than people expect.

We spend less time managing damage and more time on questions like these. What happens in the twenty minutes after a disagreement? Where did each of you learn what conflict is supposed to look like? What is your partner caring about right now, this season, that you may not have thought to ask about lately?

That last question surprises people. Couples who have been together a long time often know each other's history perfectly well and know each other's present hardly at all.

Three things worth protecting

When a couple arrives early, three things are usually still intact. All three make the work move faster.

Goodwill. You still assume the best about each other. That assumption is the raw material of repair, and rebuilding it later is slow, tender work.

Curiosity. You are still genuinely interested in your partner's answer. Couples who arrive in crisis have often already reached their conclusions and are looking for someone to referee.

Time. There is no deadline sitting in the room, no decision that has to be made by the end of the month.

A gentler way to think about it

Consider how you treat the other things you intend to keep for a long time. A house you plan to live in for thirty years gets attention long before the roof gives way. A body you intend to carry into your eighties gets care while it still feels fine. We understand this instinctively everywhere except in our closest relationships, where we tend to wait for something to break before we are willing to call it a reason.

Your marriage is allowed to receive care while it is still working.

Beginning the conversation

I work with couples throughout Frisco and the surrounding North Texas communities, and a meaningful number of them come in exactly this way, without a crisis, simply wanting to feel close again. Those are often the most rewarding conversations I have.

If you have been wondering whether it is too soon, that wondering is worth listening to. It is usually the healthiest part of the relationship speaking up.